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20 October 2012

Tired

One of those days when I cried several times a day. Plus my wrists ache, my arms ache, my shoulder blades ache, my back ache and now even my ribs are feeling achy. I'm already sleeping so little and now I sometimes feel so uncomfy with all the aching that I have difficulty falling asleep...

Typically I sleep at 11+ at night, wake up once or twice for an hour to latch, and finally get outta bed at 6+ to 7 in the morning. And I seldom get to nap in the day as baby hardly sleeps in the day... If she does, I usually have to rush a meal or something, and her little naps usually only last around 30 minutes?!

One word: tired. No, make it two: very tired.

03 October 2012

Emo again

This morning I was latching as usual, until baby fell asleep in my arms and I was cuddling her and watching her beautiful sleeping expressions. It was a lovely moment and I started thinking to myself:

Although these days are tiring and difficult and I'm extremely exhausted from the constant latching, I really gotta cherish every single moment, and I'm doing that right now. We all know time flies. And in no time, she will no longer be wanting my cuddles and as she grows older she will no longer be needing me... no matter how much I love her and how much effort I have put in now to nurture her and how much pain I have gone through for her.

I'm all emo again and with those thoughts I cuddled her and cried. I never knew I have this much capacity for love. I never knew I can love someone this much. Motherhood indeed is an overwhelming experience.

Cried again

When a day is emo, it just gets emo all the way... An emo day is never a good day.

Baby woke up as I was typing the previous entry... She hardly slept actually. She was tired and cranky yet refused to sleep and constantly wants to be latched in the day. Just now after changing her diaper I was starving so I left her to get lunch in the dining room and she started wailing away shortly. I probably rushed through lunch and a toilet break in a couple of minutes or three. But when I was back in the room she was wailing so bitterly, it probably felt like forever to her. Seeing the poor baby cry like this, I was so heartbroken I broke down and cried too :'(

She's finally sleeping now, but not in deep sleep and she's still latching intermittently on and off in her sleep as she keeps making noise and searching for her food source.

I guess it's all my fault to let her treat me like the ultimate pacifier. But she rejects the various pacifiers we bought and tried on her. She cried so madly when we stuffed a pacifier into her mouth. And like above, well I just can't bear to see her cry for long. That will almost definitely make me cry too. In the end, I always give in to latching her and well... Let that be. It's a moment to cherish, as I mentioned in my previous entry... It won't last for long. The constant latching is killing my back and my arms and makes me so tired, but seeing the satisfaction in her adorable little face makes everything worthwhile.

The tiny little angelic being is turning my world totally upside down and turning me into an emotional wreck over and over again. Yes, motherhood is indeed an overwhelming experience for me.