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27 September 2012

Emo mummy

Yes that's me.

I was cuddling my little darling and singing to the songs on radio... And suddenly started wondering if baby would recall those days when she's in my bump and I was singing to her. Or maybe long forgotten. And I started crying... In no time, she will not remember today, when I latch her for hours to keep her satisfied and cuddle her in my arms to keep her comfy. Just like sometimes I forgot to appreciate my own mother and the things she does for me, and snapped at her at times when I get impatient. I cried even more... One really have to experience being a mum to appreciate what a mum does.

And it didn't help that radio was playing Jay's 《枫》...

让爱渗透了地面  
我要的只是你在我身边

Even if I have bountiful of love for my precious darling now, one day she's going to stop needing me and eventually leave. The thought makes me super emo and I just can't stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks... as baby latches on once again and looks at her crying mummy with bright curious eyes. Baby, mummy loves you so much... mummy is overwhelmed.

19 September 2012

Under control

A baby is such a helpless little being. She may be hungry but can't find her own food, may feel dirty but can't bathe herself, may feel lonely but can't get out of the cot herself and go out to play. To some extend, the baby seems to be under the adults' control. If the adult doesn't feed her, she will never get satisfied and will just remain hungry. She's so helpless, all she can do about the situation is cry.

On the other hand...

I can't sleep when she's awake. I can't go out and play when she's demanding to be latched. I'm in so much pain when she latches, yet I can't just say, "Hey, mummy's in pain... so you settle this meal yourself k? Mummy needs some rest."

She wails in the middle of the night and I gotta wake up, no matter how tired I am. I feed her on demand and attend to her every single need, only satusfying my own needs and getting a short short rest when she sleeps. So, who's under whose control now?

17 September 2012

Not easy

It's just not easy being a mum. First, I am totally deprived of sleep, I'm zombified. Sometimes I can hardly keep my eyes open, even when I'm walking to the toilet, and I'm always forcing myself to stay awake. I'm like a walking zombie... But a walking zombie with so much love. Next, my nipples hurt like hell from all the latching... Baby suckles so hard it feels like she's actually chewing on my nipples like they're gum. Even hurt to touch them when bathing.

Then I keep getting all emo. Just now I was having her latched and as usual telling her how much I love her. And then I was so overwhelmed by my emotions. I haven't exactly had a tough life but I've been through some serious shit myself and while in tears and sniffing away, I was telling baby that I want her to be happy and blessed... Thinking to myself that I won't want her to go through the same kinda shit I've been through. Thinking how painful it will be to see my daughter being hurt or depressed. And wondering how my mum felt seeing me like that.

Such an emo wreck I am right now. I thought I'm outta my emo self but yup, being a mother is just SO NOT EASY!!

13 September 2012

Cry and headache

I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry. And it is giving me a very bad headache, and that's not the only thing that hurts.

My whole life is upside down. The only thing that's right is my little baby. And she's so right she has become a little tyrant and turned my life upside down.

I latch on and on and on nonstop in the day. Hardly anytime to eat or drink or pee or poo. I'm tired and worried. I'm worried that she doesn't have enough milk to drink. And latching starts to hurt so bad. My nipples are more than just sore, I have to engage my contraction breathing techniques when latching her.

And then I still can't stop myself... I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry.

09 September 2012

Ahem

Been singing to baby until I'm feeling a sore throat developing. But i sing so softly, especially in the middle of the night after latching... Trying so hard to make her sleep but she just continues to stare at me with her big round eyes. So i just sing on and on and on. Am I singing too much?! Or perhaps sleeping too little...

I need sleep

Another cranky night has passed.

Prepared a bottle from a packet of 110ml ebm at 1 plus am, hoping that she would drink as much as she wanted and sleep well through the night. And she drank around 60ml at 2am, then I put her back to sleep and pumped, but she refused to sleep and she cried again, and drank the balance 50ml at close to 3am after I pumped. Then at 3:40am she cried again to latch... Latching on till 4am... Finally slept.

At 5:40am she cried again and latched on and off till 7:10am... Then at 7:20am she cried again *omg* she finally latched to sleep at close to 10am. And I can have some water, take a toilet break and finally snooze.

05 September 2012

New time zone

Living in a new time zone.

It doesn't adhere to the usual 24 hours, 7 weeks standard. There's no distinction between days and nights, except that you need to switch on the light when it's dark outside.

It's BFT - baby feeding time!

When baby's awake, you are awake and kept busy. You feed baby, bathe baby, carry baby, sing to baby, entertain baby and change diapers. When all those are completed and baby's falling asleep, you may sneak a moment to update your Facebook or your blog, like what I'm doing right now!

And when baby's asleep, you pump, wash, sterilize, eat, drink, pee, poo, bathe, and occasionally take some photos of your baby's cute sleeping poses... If all of the above have been completed, you finally get to sleep, before baby wakes up and keeps you busy again!

Nonstop latching

Baby has been demanding for milk and yet she's so difficult to latch as she's always struggling and pushing and aiming the wrong direction. She cried until hoarse *heartpain* and has been latched on and off for the past 2.5 hours... Each time she latches on, she falls into a light sleep, only to wake up in less than five minutes and cries for more milk, and I'll latch her again. Each time she latches on, I cry. It's been so tiring! And my nipples are so sore from her constant latching. She hasn't really slept since 8am and I seriously need a rest :(

Now she's finally falling asleep... I just rushed to the toilet and back... Almost peed in bed as I've been sitting in bed latching for hours. I really hope she can stay asleep longer so that I can take a nap too.

02 September 2012

EDD

Today is my original EDD, and my little precious is 10-day-old today!

My hubby came with his parents and his sister to visit baby today. After his folks left, he stayed back to accompany me and helped me with baby while I'm forced to sleep. I'm still an emotional wreck and cried ever so often he's freaking out. He concluded that what I really need is rest and made me sleep. But baby still was a handful at the meanwhile and I had to change her diaper etc.

I'm the super possessive mother... oh no! No wonder I tire myself out. I want to do everything! From bathing my little precious since day 1 back at home, to changing clothes or diapers, feeding, etc. Now sometimes my mum bottle-feeds her my EBM, and just now hubby fed her too. But I still do the rest myself, including washing and sterilizing the bottles and pump parts. My mum does the laundry, cooking and dish washing.

Napped, and hubby went home to rush his graded group assignment. Do I have to wait a week before I can see him again? Sigh...

Pic of the day - my mum cooked black fungi and mock chicken in rice wine. My FIL loves this dish and so we gave him a bowl too, which made him very happy, according to hubby. :) Here, my mum served the dish together with boiled caixin for me. I have veggies and brown rice every meal, so I never had constipation. :)


01 September 2012

T_T

I'm becoming this emotional wreck and crying myself to sleep. In fact I'm crying ever so often these days - while feeding, pumping, bathing, carrying baby and sleeping. (>_<) Now I'm missing my hubby like crazy and just scalded my fingers with the sterilizer because I'm too anxious to retrieve the bottle as baby was crying... And that's after I have breast-fed her, so getting bottle ready for the expressed milk. She always doesn't have enough and takes so long to feed. I'm tired. In fact at my post-natal appointment, my gynae says I look so tired, i look worse than when I was giving birth! He also said baby's been torturing me... Haha. Being a mummy is just so tough!! Can't wait for confinement to be over, so I can go home and let hubby share half the load, plus stop missing him so badly of course. Although I'll definitely miss my mum's cooking then.

Okay, I'm done crying... Blogging is therapeutic... Hohoho. Goodnight world! I shall snooze before baby cry for milk again... Desperately need sleep now.